Well day 20...i screwed up.

So...trying to get back on the wagon...did good yesterday...did good this morning...did really really bad just now. Mcdonalds i hate you. i tried to fight that craving for 2 hours...i didn't win this particular battle. i actually really overdid it. now i'm having a food conscience. oh yea chicken nugget meal with a mcflurry...yup, and i don't feel better. i feel worse.

i even called for help before i actually went...but i'd pretty much already decided. see the thing is...the grease makes me flimmy. i don't like the way that feels. i don't like the way it feels to have to swallow twice. ugh...that's something only a fat person, or a sick person would understand. anyway...i feel bad. i feel small failure. it's just so hard now...i have a fresh idea of what i'm getting ready to go through with the cravings and the withdrawals and stuff...and i don't want to do the hard part again. but i'm obviously going to keep moving forward with this....i'm not gonna give up....and the more i give in to this crap...the more times i'm gonna have to start over. i'm not for that.

Here's the thing...i hate mcdonalds. i have this dream that someday i'm going to take a stand against fast food. i just can't believe this is what my world has come to..i can't believe i'm having issues with turning down food that makes me feel bad. it makes me hurt...it makes my stomach upset, it makes my throat flimmy, it makes me feel guilty...ugh!!! and i swear it's addictive. i know it is...why else would anyone willingly take in all that grease, and salt on a regular basis. I work at hardees for example...right now we have little fliers that someone can buy for a dollar, and that dollar will go towards the research of breast cancer. i'm not saying that's a bad thing, that's a very important thing. but heart disease is the number 1 killer, right? so..here, donate a dollar towards the research of breast cancer...and i'll hand you a heart attack on a bun for the same price. seriously? seriously? omg! i feel guilty sometimes...i feel like i should protest. i feel like fast food is too prominent of an industry...why isn't there a huge movement to stop this?
alright, riss...pick it back up!

Day 19...technically. that's almost 3 weeks people.

Well well...it's been a while since i've done this. a lot has happened, i don't even really know where to start. Right at the beginning of week 2, like day 10...i got very sick. crazy swollen tonsil, couldn't eat, i was put in the hospital a week ago. now during all this i had to stop the pills, i had to stop the exercise, i had to eat whatever i could get down...which was a lot of popcicles and ice cream. a week ago...i had lost 16 pounds...i'm thinking most of that was the sickness...or at least half of it. now, i'm 11 pounds lighter than where i started. yea..started at 246..now i am at 235.

Anyway...now that i'm mostly not sick anymore, haha, i have to get back on the diet wagon...and it sucks. it's the way things usually go though isn't it...if you don't get in your own way...something from the world will go ahead and knock you right off your horse. Which means that you have to do the next toughest thing to hanging in there...you have to start over your progress...go through the withdrawals again, build up the time again, and get back to where you are used to eating healthier...instead of thinking of all the things you'd rather be eating. this makes me crabby. not to mention...one of my prescriptions is a steroid...makes me want to eat all the time, ugh.

i'm also feeling stressed because i really really really don't want to work two jobs anymore. it's zero fun. i'm always dreading something. ya know what i mean? there is never a day when i'm not dreading something. it feels so heavy. but i need the money. i need to save. i don't know what to do, i know i'm not happy...i know i need some sort of peace about all this, but i can't see that working two jobs is ever going to work for me, and i can't see quitting the second one...and freaking out about money, and needing a new car, and trying to save off one paycheck...that doesn't sound very peaceful either. STRESS.

i just want my time back. my time to clean my room, to sit around, or exercise, or spend time with my boyfriend, especially with everything he's going through right now. he just lost everything in the crazy flood the other night. he's sleeping on his brother's couch and he basically has to start over from scratch. i want to be there for him and help him, and i don't have much time to do it. it makes me want to cry to think that i have to be at work at 6am. i feel like i need to come to a resolution about this soon...if i don't, i'll end up leaving the 2nd job in a way that i don't approve of...i don't want to make a snap decision about this...i just feel like it's crushing me. well anyway...that's where i stand right now.

time to climb back up again...this is that moment of truth where i will stick with it or try it again tomorrow..then tomorrow..then the day after that. come on rissa...let's get it done

Day 6...oh..ow..eew..blah...

Well, last night i was successful in beating my cravings and staying on track. it was a tough night though, really. i'm getting ready to start my period, and i wanted to eat everything, without mercy. i've noticed i really do hate the discipline part of this...the control. that nagging little fat part of me that wants chocolate keeps wishing i could just do what i want, and not pay so much attention, and just not care...but i do. and when i start thinking about how bad i want french fries and ice cream and chips and stuff...then i start thinking about how bad i want to back up in pants sizes, and how bad i want to look good in pictures, how bad i want to feel good about myself and buy whatever clothes off whatever rack i want to!


it doesn't make it easy, but it makes it possible. i'm freaking worn out though. i worked last night, all night...then this morning...and i'm emotional...shew..everytime my headset beeped i wanted to throw it, and fall to the floor, and just sit there and scream and cry...oh shit it was awful! i would have been okay if everyone saw my tantrum, i would have been okay if i got fired, i looked for reasons to walk out the door...it was just bad.


anyway, since i am getting ready to start my period, i have decided not to weight myself this week. it sucks because it's my first week and i want to see those results...but it is a widely known fact that when you start your period, you gain a few pounds of water weight. i don't want to get on the scale and get discouraged. so i'm gonna wait until i'll know exactly what i've lost. looks like my first weigh in will be at week 2. like i said, i've taken a before picture...and there will be an after. i was thinking about making a photo album of every week...eh...we'll see. i'd rather not have anyone see the before picture....until there is an after haha. ok, well...that's it for now.

Day 5...toughen up.

Well...i knew this day would come. i'm getting ready to start my period, the pill helps but it is not cutting out my appetite as well right now. This is where i have to step up, this is where it's on me. so far, i'm being good. i just realized last night how many things i used food for. just to take up time. i would eat, and if someone wanted to go grab something to eat with me, i would eat again. i've definitely hit an emotional nerve these last few days. I'm still on board, this is just where shit is getting real for me. Nothing i've done for my entire life will be changed easily...i'm entering the beginning of the hard part.
i did take my 'before' picture today. makes me excited. there's gonna be an after...and i can't wait.

Day 4....ZUMBA ZUMBA!!!

Well well...look at me on day 4, hehehe. Day 3 ended fabulously by the way, i've behaved myself much better than i ever expected to, and guess what!?

TODAY IS ZUMBA DAY!!!

I get to go exercise today, as of right now zumba is one of the exercises i'm doing once a week. then i'm playing basketball and working out on my Dad's exercise bike. so, it's just twice a week, but i'd really like to add yoga here soon...one day a week. then we'll see where i stand after that. i just don't want to make myself sore everyday of the week, lol. I think yoga is excellent for women especially looking for that lean figure and strength training that won't make you too bulky. plus, it's good for focus and flexability. so, that step number....well, hell, i don't know, but that's what's coming next.

Just tried some Fiber One cereal for my 'breakfast.' i cut up a banana and put it in the cereal, which helped out a little with the taste cause the cereal itself is kinda...bland. wierd texture. Anyway, one half a cup is 57% of your daily fiber, hey hey hey.

As for the pills...still feeling good. i know this is a good side effect, but the cotton mouth is kinda driving me crazy lol. i've talked to some other people that have taken this particular pill, and they all say the cotton mouth never goes away. i've been drinking so much water it's ridiculous. i easily drink, (when i say easily, i mean i don't have to force it at all.) about 130 ounces of water a day. That's crazy right?! i chew gum sometimes to calm it down a little bit, but eventually, that dries out, haha. oh well, maybe after a lil while, i won't be going pee every 15-20 minutes.

Day 3...whoa buddy!

Well...i'm on day 3!!! and i'm super excited!!! Seriously, i know it's only been three days, and i wasn't expecting to sing praises to these pills so early...but i have so much energy. finally, jitters are no more, it's just pure energy and hyper...ness, lol!

Alright, Day 3, here's the scoop. i had a plain junior bacon cheeseburger today :( i'm not gonna beat myself up for that though, i had it with a salad, and i was only able to eat half of it (the burger). Anyway, i then went grocery shopping...and i got some super awesome food: yogurt, oatmeal, bran cereal, egg whites, salad, and i just realized i forgot to get nuts. shit. oh well, day 3 is off to a good start! yay!

Day 2...at its end

So...you remember when i said my days' ends and beginnings will be weird? well, i just got off work...and i will be going to bed soon, so this is the end of my day 2.
just so you know, i probably won't be writing two of these a day, but i do want to keep my progress well-documented. I AM SO EXCITED!!!

I had the most amazing epiphany last night while i was at work. i knew it already, but the truth of it sunk in officially. when i got my pills, the doctor also gave me a 1400 calorie/per day diet with three different meals for seven days plus a whole lot of snack options. looking through this packet, i noticed there were some foods i liked, and some i would never touch...but what was weird..is that nearly all the choices mapped out for me, are choices i would have very rarely made before my declaration. That's sad. i do like some healthy food...so why didn't i ever eat it? EVER?

I can't really answer that. What i do know, is I have a lot of work to do, and a lot of learning to do if i'm going to keep this weight off after the pills. I have been drinking a whole lot of water, and it's not hard to do right now because of the cotton mouth. Eating is interesting. i try to keep my senses aware to when i'm no longer hungry. i try not to get full. Also, i have an immense desire to exercise. Granted this is only day 2, but things are looking good.

Due to my epiphany....i am a little nervous now. i thought a healthy diet would be common sense...but i have life-long habits that i need to change. i don't want to take chances. plus, i don't like to cook a whole lot. i'm a sucker for convenience food. i'm willing to take up cooking to an extent, but that is a downer for me, so i would like to figure out some ways to fix food fast. One step at a time, one heck of a climb....

BUT I CAN'T WAIT!!!! :)