Well day 20...i screwed up.

So...trying to get back on the wagon...did good yesterday...did good this morning...did really really bad just now. Mcdonalds i hate you. i tried to fight that craving for 2 hours...i didn't win this particular battle. i actually really overdid it. now i'm having a food conscience. oh yea chicken nugget meal with a mcflurry...yup, and i don't feel better. i feel worse.

i even called for help before i actually went...but i'd pretty much already decided. see the thing is...the grease makes me flimmy. i don't like the way that feels. i don't like the way it feels to have to swallow twice. ugh...that's something only a fat person, or a sick person would understand. anyway...i feel bad. i feel small failure. it's just so hard now...i have a fresh idea of what i'm getting ready to go through with the cravings and the withdrawals and stuff...and i don't want to do the hard part again. but i'm obviously going to keep moving forward with this....i'm not gonna give up....and the more i give in to this crap...the more times i'm gonna have to start over. i'm not for that.

Here's the thing...i hate mcdonalds. i have this dream that someday i'm going to take a stand against fast food. i just can't believe this is what my world has come to..i can't believe i'm having issues with turning down food that makes me feel bad. it makes me hurt...it makes my stomach upset, it makes my throat flimmy, it makes me feel guilty...ugh!!! and i swear it's addictive. i know it is...why else would anyone willingly take in all that grease, and salt on a regular basis. I work at hardees for example...right now we have little fliers that someone can buy for a dollar, and that dollar will go towards the research of breast cancer. i'm not saying that's a bad thing, that's a very important thing. but heart disease is the number 1 killer, right? so..here, donate a dollar towards the research of breast cancer...and i'll hand you a heart attack on a bun for the same price. seriously? seriously? omg! i feel guilty sometimes...i feel like i should protest. i feel like fast food is too prominent of an industry...why isn't there a huge movement to stop this?
alright, riss...pick it back up!

Day 19...technically. that's almost 3 weeks people.

Well well...it's been a while since i've done this. a lot has happened, i don't even really know where to start. Right at the beginning of week 2, like day 10...i got very sick. crazy swollen tonsil, couldn't eat, i was put in the hospital a week ago. now during all this i had to stop the pills, i had to stop the exercise, i had to eat whatever i could get down...which was a lot of popcicles and ice cream. a week ago...i had lost 16 pounds...i'm thinking most of that was the sickness...or at least half of it. now, i'm 11 pounds lighter than where i started. yea..started at 246..now i am at 235.

Anyway...now that i'm mostly not sick anymore, haha, i have to get back on the diet wagon...and it sucks. it's the way things usually go though isn't it...if you don't get in your own way...something from the world will go ahead and knock you right off your horse. Which means that you have to do the next toughest thing to hanging in there...you have to start over your progress...go through the withdrawals again, build up the time again, and get back to where you are used to eating healthier...instead of thinking of all the things you'd rather be eating. this makes me crabby. not to mention...one of my prescriptions is a steroid...makes me want to eat all the time, ugh.

i'm also feeling stressed because i really really really don't want to work two jobs anymore. it's zero fun. i'm always dreading something. ya know what i mean? there is never a day when i'm not dreading something. it feels so heavy. but i need the money. i need to save. i don't know what to do, i know i'm not happy...i know i need some sort of peace about all this, but i can't see that working two jobs is ever going to work for me, and i can't see quitting the second one...and freaking out about money, and needing a new car, and trying to save off one paycheck...that doesn't sound very peaceful either. STRESS.

i just want my time back. my time to clean my room, to sit around, or exercise, or spend time with my boyfriend, especially with everything he's going through right now. he just lost everything in the crazy flood the other night. he's sleeping on his brother's couch and he basically has to start over from scratch. i want to be there for him and help him, and i don't have much time to do it. it makes me want to cry to think that i have to be at work at 6am. i feel like i need to come to a resolution about this soon...if i don't, i'll end up leaving the 2nd job in a way that i don't approve of...i don't want to make a snap decision about this...i just feel like it's crushing me. well anyway...that's where i stand right now.

time to climb back up again...this is that moment of truth where i will stick with it or try it again tomorrow..then tomorrow..then the day after that. come on rissa...let's get it done